Things that are hard in recovery

accepting your body as it is

accepting that you need rest to recover

going through ups and down about your self esteem

accepting that there is not one size shape, there are all kinds of bodies and they are all ok

loving yourselg

having positive thinking all the time, the mean beaty voice comes back sometimes

Not waiting for people to love you to feel pretty

Not feeling bad because you are not exercicing

not comparing yourself to others

But all this goes away slowly. We must keep up the good work and stay positive and take time to get better! It is a normal process. The way up to recovery is not easy but worth it :)

wow! This journey into recovery is making me realise lot’s of things about me. I keep wanting people to like me and I need to feel attractive and desired. It is a normal thing to need to feel desired, but I have too much expectations. And my ED keeps telling me that I am not good enough for people to want me or to like me.  That sucks and I feel like s**t! I have to stop waiting for people to like me, I have to like me. This is hard stuff, to really love yourself and think you are worth!  I’m working on it but it is a long journey.

I watched old pictures of me from when I was a circus artist and a dancer and I taugh I was skinny.  I remember waching those photos back then and thinking I was fat!  I was crazy!!  It does hurt seeing this pictures and realising that I do not have this little body anymore, but I remember I was suffering and I was not happy as I am now. I love my body today because it is healthy and it is pain free :)

I am going through this phase were I don’t know what I want from a relation. Do I want to be alone? do I want to be free and live my life as I want? Do I need to be with someone? I have a boyfriend that as gone through my ED with me but I don’t know if I still want him in my life? I feel like having experiences. I want to date and to sleep with who I want when I want, but is that going to make me feel better? Not sure!  Maybe I just need to feel wanted by people! It is so exciting and reassuring! I need reassurance that I am sexy?! Why?  I am sexy!

I realise that eating disorders is a lot more then a bad relation with food. It is a bad relation with ourself. It’s having a really low self esteem and low self confident and hating ourself. That’s what I’m facing now. I am at a point were I’m ok with food. I don’t count calories, I don’t feel shame and anxious around food, I don’t have rules. I just eat what I want and I follow my hunger cues. I eat intuitively now and all of that is so cool. I an more positive and happy but something is missing. I don ‘t feel loved and wanted. If a guy doesn’t text me, I just think that I’m not good enough and that nobody loves me. I know that’s my ED talking, but it is hard to go through this now. I have been through so much already. I have been fighting this ED for 8 months now and I still have to fight! Low self esteem is a hard thing to fight. I know that I am worth more then what my ED wants me to think but I am tired of fighting! I need to focus on positive taughts and I will go through this.

I going nuts about a guy!  He makes me feels so sexy and pretty. But he is not really available and it makes me feel like crap.  How can someone make you feel both things?  Arrgh  I don’t like it!  I feel the ED is going to creep in again because I don’t feel valued enouph. I feel it’s because I’m not good enouph for him that he doesn’t make himself available.  Does that make sense?  I know it is the ED voice telling me I’m not good enouph for him.  Anyways, I should stop seeing this man.  ED is always around the corner ready to jump on me and take advantage of my weekness! But I will fight it!  I am good enouph!!